I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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