Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
