watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I will pee on everything he values.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
