I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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