i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
