the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
