I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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