I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
