So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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