M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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