My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
