I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I cannot find my penis.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
