ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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