I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
