you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
