Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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