i dedicated my morning wood to you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
