if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
