Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
