we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
