dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
