i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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