i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
