just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
