Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize