Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
