I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
