he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
