Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize