I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
