one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
3pm strippers are depressing
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
