I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
