I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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