I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
