i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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