i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
