Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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