im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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