everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
