I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
