I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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