WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
