homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
