Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
