dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
