Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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