I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
