I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
