i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
