Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
