Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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