You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
