I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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