Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My vagina is officially offended.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
