I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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