Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
